Derek's Time-Space Warp

A collection of thoughts and experiences as I explore the universe, warping time and space in my vicinity

Grief, anger, and depression

Hey blog world….I don’t usually post a massive post, but when I do (sounds vaguely like a meme there) it’s because there’s something big on my mind. Or there’s a good song I wanna share. Well today it’s a combo of both, but you’ll have to wait till the end for the song. Although I suppose you could just skip to the end, but whatever.

Bit of an odd topic for me to write about this time, and to be honest it takes some guts for me to put this out there. But let me give the background first so it all makes sense.

Many of you may not be aware, but for many years I had tendencies towards depression. Thanks to the grace of God I’ve been able to overcome this to a large extent, and it doesn’t have the hold on me like it used to.

A while ago I was reminiscing about the year 2008. That year was full of both good and bad memories…only problem was, the bad memories far outweighed the good ones. There’s too much detail to go into, but the main low point involved a girl. She and I were going out with each other and things were awesome, and then suddenly and unexplainably she pulled the plug on “us”. I won’t go into all the messy details, but suffice it to say that it took me over a year to heal from that experience. That year was a tough one, and during that time I began to be plagued by grief and angry thoughts. Now I’m not talking about your typical “I can’t believe she did that!” angry thought. I’m talking about heavy depression and a black rage so intense it actually scared me. This went on for some time, and I knew I needed help – badly. Finally one Sunday at the evening youth meeting, I told God “I’m not leaving tonight until I’m free from that anger.” When my pastor gave an altar call for people who needed any prayer, I almost ran to the front. I knelt down there with the others who had come forward, and the pastor prayed individually for us. No word of a lie, I could literally feel the tension, the grief, and the anger melt off me. In that brief 5-10 minutes, God had done for me what I could not do for myself in the last year. I left church completely healed inside.

Back at that time, I had a few instances where I would be inspired to write song lyrics – no music, just lyrics. This instance was one of them, and in fact it inspired a couple of song lyrics. I’ll post two of them here.

In the first lyric, the first two verses were written prior to being prayed for, and the last verse was penned afterwards. To be honest, I don’t think I ever want these lyrics to be set to music. To me they are a deeply personal, vivid reminder of how God rescued and healed me in this situation. If you are facing anything like I did, I hope these lyrics are meaningful to you too.

I couldn’t have seen this one coming
My mind denies and my heart is numbing
You soared with me high above the clouds
Then shot me down in flames to the ground
Mercilessly you tore my soul apart
Left me bleeding, sorting the pieces of my heart
I search for answers just to feel the stinging truth
Tears burn my face as I burn this picture of you

Chorus

I grasp for distractions, whatever I can find
To bring solace to this torment in my mind
Your face, your voice re-playing tirelessly
Ghosts of the past they linger to haunt
Well safe to say you got what you want
But you’ll never know what you stole from me

You ignore and pretend that nothing’s changed
But the black shame in your eye, it gives you away
Your excuses fail to comfort or explain
And I’m left here to bury my dreams once again
Grief turns to anger, to dark desperation
And I hide in a stone castle of bitter frustration
Every memory is just another thorn in the brow
And this leaden silence screams: are you happy now?

[Chorus]

Where can I go and who can I turn to?
Grief and anger have me in their thumbscrews
Oh God can you heal me, put me together again?
I’m a desert plant withered up without the rain
Desperate to shut out the voices screaming inside
I need the wholeness that only You provide
Only You can mend the pieces of my broken heart
Set me on my feet, tear the blackness apart

Chorus 2

I reach for Your love, it’s all I can find
That brings solace to this torment in my mind
Your gentle voice speaks inside of me
Ghosts of the past have vanished in the sun
My soul’s at rest, the searing pain is gone
And nothing compares to the peace You’ve given me

Are you happy now?

The second song is a little less intense, but it basically grew out of the same time when I wrote the first song. I had a bunch of phrases playing around in my mind, and I realized that some belonged on their own in a different lyric. This is what led to the second song. In it I included my own experience as well as the experiences of some other people I knew who were going through similar circumstances. I know many of us can relate, so I’m putting it here for you to read. (Disclaimer: at the time, I had never actually heard Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name”)

The look in your eyes
Cut him to the core
The silence screamed
As you shut the door
Leavin’ him there
With his heart on the floor
Did you ever love him?
Hard to believe anymore

He turned and stumbled
Away from that place
Running as he brushed
The tears from his face
Tore out the driveway
Like it was a race
Needin’ to find
A little breathing space

CHORUS
Victim of the game
He’s a victim of the game
Girl you’re givin’ love a bad name
Stop playin’ this vicious game
Victim of the game

Her cries and her pleas
Hit the ground like lead
She dropped the phone
As the “goodbye” was said
Crumpled to her knees
There beside her bed
Your words still echoing
Inside her head

CHORUS
Victim of the game
She’s a victim of the game
Boy you’re givin’ love a bad name
Stop playin’ this vicious game
Victim of the game

Sitting in her car
Her head on the wheel
Oblivious to all
But the grief she feels
You said you loved her
But gave her a raw deal
You’ve found someone else
With more sex appeal

CHORUS
Victim of the game
She’s a victim of the game
Boy you’re givin’ love a bad name
Stop playin’ this vicious game
Victim of the game

Let’s take a minute
And talk about real love
It’s a precious gift
Sent down from above
Gotta look out for each other
When push comes to shove
But it’s all me and myself
That we’re thinkin’ of

CHORUS
Victims of the game
We’re all victims of the game
We’ve been givin’ love a bad name
Stop playin’ this vicious game
Victims of the game

If you are facing any situation in your life where you feel completely alone, angry, depressed, or scared, please don’t try to face it on your own. If I could tell you anything, it is that you are loved, you are more valuable than you can imagine. God understands what you are going through, and He wants to help you, to love you, to heal you. Please let Him.

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